Taboo.

I need to figure out why now.  Why now am I committed to loosing the weight, getting healthy, starting a new lifestyle. 

I've put it off long enough.  I'm scared, I always have been.  Fear has to be put in it's place.

Social acceptance has always been a big deal to me.  I've put myself in a shell to mask the fact that I am unhappy and always have been.  Putting on a smile and making a group laugh is usually my specialty, even being heavy and aware of people noticing.  I've noticed over the past 2 years I don't speak up, I don't crack jokes and I usually find reasons to avoid going out.  I'd rather sit at home than TRY to find something to wear that hides each pound of flaw.

The first time I really came to grips with my weight was in college.  I was walking into my dorm and a group of people were playing the game Taboo, basically charades with words.

Anyhoo, I knew the people, one of which was my room mate and best friend, so I joined in.


We played, we were drinking, we were having a great time.  Most people I knew, most I considered friends.

 

So it came to be my turn.  The guy across from me started the timer and drew a card. He stared at it for a minute like he was racking his brain.  He finally said "This is what you are" with a hint of smart ass, the people behind him went bug-eyed and snickered.  What do I say?  The first thing that came to my mind... "Funny?!"  He immediately said Pass and grabbed the next card. I looked down to see where that card was placed. I had NO IDEA what it said and I was curious. So after my turn I grabbed it.

Overweight. "This is what you are."  Overweight. It was true, but it was mean. It was true but not until that moment did I think other people saw it too.  Tears started to pool and I got out of there before anyone noticed.

This person is still my "friend." Every time I see him I'm reminded of racing to the elevator so I could ride it alone and no one would see me cry.  I vowed then to loose the weight. 

That was in 2004!!!! Almost 10 years ago!!! I didn't even realize that until I typed it. How embarrassing.

I have never shared that story with anyone. I still try to act like I'm not overweight.  Well that is over. I'm actually considered morbidly obese now.

It's only been 3 weeks since my c-section, so I can't do crazy workouts but I can start small and eat right!! My taboo ends now!!!

8-4-2013. 259 lbs.